


Aftermath

by theimpossiblegeekygrrl



Category: Clarice - Fandom, Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types, The Silence of the Lambs
Genre: Character Study, Rage, Reality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28005210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theimpossiblegeekygrrl/pseuds/theimpossiblegeekygrrl
Summary: A character study. I have cried every time the words at the end of the Clarice trailer have echoed through my mind. My best friend cried when I played it for her. There's a lot to be said about the rage that still reverberates throughout the minds of women of a certain age.
Kudos: 7





	Aftermath

* * *

_Do you know  
What this is doing to me  
Here in my head  
_\- Tori Amos -

* * *

Sometimes in the morning, in those still moments just before the sun lit up the sky outside of her window, Clarice started to panic.

It wasn't a fear of the dark. 

At least, that's what she told herself until the shaking stopped. 

It was more the dreams of the complete darkness that consumed and enveloped her. It had been easier to tell her therapist that it came from those memories of the dark basement. In truth, she could still hear Catherine's screams echo in her ears. It caught her off guard if she wasn't careful, making her head whip around like it had when she couldn't see her hand in front of her, while Jame Gumb was following her around in those goddamn goggles.

In therapy, she never spoke Doctor Lecter's name. Saying it would make him real again, would make those dark, terrifyingly fascinating eyes come back to life. And that couldn't happen, not if she wanted to face the better days ahead of her.

Something had happened in Memphis that she could not explain. Jack had told her to freeze Chilton, and she had done it. It had kept her moving until her mouth got her in trouble, well past moment that she had shot and killed Buffalo Bill. 

But when it was over, her mind started to thaw. Memories flickered in and out, scenes of a life that she'd tried to compartmentalize. It was her way to cope, even though it wasn't coping. She thought it was a path to healing when she started to chew those thoughts back, starting from the moment she'd run away from her cousin's ranch.

It left a raw space inside her, dissecting the parts that were too much for her to process. Even though it gave her the empathy she needed to identify with the victims, it didn't leave much for her in private life. It had given her… Well, there was a word for it. But it was a word she associated with the profiles from the BSU.

_Rage._

She could hear it when she talked back to Paul Krendler. When she listened to instructions and did what she knew was right, usually the opposite of what she was told to do. As much as she wanted to be fuelled by something less destructive, there was a trickle running through her veins that was made of darkness. 

Darkness was Buffalo Bill's basement. It was the basement of the BSHCI and that long corridor that led to Doctor Lecter's cell. It was found in the men who had alternatively tried to kill her and attempted to sip on her tears.

In the mornings, the rage slid through her, making her shake until she couldn't see clearly. Thank God Ardelia was on the other side of the duplex and not in the room next to her. It would only make her worry more than she already was.

The dark emotions always gave way to panic. When it was over, her life was drained from her. Maybe Ardelia did know, because she'd be up when Clarice stumbled out of her room, sitting on the floor of their shared kitchen with fresh coffee and a tired wave to join her for a cup.

It didn't occur to Clarice, not until many years later, that she might not be the only sane person in the world who felt it. 

She wasn't alone in her darkness and had never been. 

Her therapist hadn't thought to share that simple fact with her, probably thinking that she knew it all along. He could see through her too, past the carbon and steel she used to cover herself.

At the beginning of each visit, he stared at her with hard, dark eyes and asked, "What do you do with all your rage, Clarice?"


End file.
